Archive for August, 2006

The rules for guys-

Courtesy of blog block and results of lack of motivation for actual work- those who have read it before, poleni

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, other women or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

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August 31, 2006 at 5:07 pm Leave a comment

Of cultures, traditions and evil spirits

Hope all of your enjoyed your weekend, even those arsenal fans……….I have spent my weekend hearing and learning some of the most fascinating things I have ever heard. It is good to learn about other cultures and finally accepting that other people’s ancestors are just as crazy as yours. I have made a collection of some of the beliefs/cultures. They range from the bizarre to the utterly ridiculous. I have refrained from naming the specific tribes because frankly I can’t remember all of them.

Of Women smokers

It is believed that women do not smoke voluntarily; women who smoke are possessed by an evil spirit called desatir. Apparently this spirit demands that among other things the woman should smoke and most of the time not get married. It can also demand for beer, food etc. Not sure yet what will happen if you don’t provide this things. I guess no one has ever tried to refuse it anything. Haki in my next life I so want to come back as a desatir.

Deviation: I came to know about this spirit because I smoke (yes I know it kills) and am unmarried. So some women came to inquire if my desatir needed anything that they could help me find. LOL

Of Childbirth

This is actually more of a tradition than a belief. It is believed that once a woman gets pregnant, she immediately stops having sex with the husband. They believe that the sperm can harm the baby’s development. And even after she delivers, as long as the mother is breast feeding, she can not have sex with the husband, ati the sperm will go to the pupils of the baby’s eyes through the mothers breast milk! (Go figure) It is actually a very effective method of birth control.

Of lighting

If it raining heavily accompanied by lighting and/or thunder, people do not sleep facing the side or on their stomach, you are supposed to sleep facing up. And if there is a visitor in your house and lighting strikes, you are supposed to chase them immediately. Because this means that the visitor has black magic. Apparently lighting follows those who have evil spirits e.g. desatir

Note to self: stay in the house during heavy rains

Of Adultery

Adultery in some communities is not just a sin IT IS A CRIME. Seriously, both of you will be jailed and a case opened. If you are found guilty the man is required to pay 7 cows to the husband of the woman. If the woman is unmarried you can decide whether to marry her ama you pay 2 cows to her father.

However the 7 cows reduce depending on how many times the woman has been caught!!!!!!!!!

Of Death

This are obviously too numerous to mention all, but by far the most hilarious I have come across is this one:

If for example you wife dies (and you know the way Africans never just die), some elders will get that contraption for capturing mice/rats. If the catch a male rate then it is your relatives who have bewitched her. But if they catch a female rat then it is her relatives who killed her.

Of Pregnancy (all ladies listen up)

I have saved this for last just to make sure that you read up to the end!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently (and I am down on my knees praying that it is true) when a woman is pregnant and she rukas her husband (remember that one of primo where if someone rukas you, you will never grow tall? Yeah that one). Well if you do that to your husband he will behave exactly like you, he will crave the things you crave, feel tired just like you, he will even start spitting like you do, complete with morning sickness. This will continue till the day you deliver.

I so want this to be true…………………………………..

Ok am off to do some actual work.

August 28, 2006 at 10:13 am Leave a comment

Politics is showbiz for ugly people ! how to acquire a partner- Sudan style

That is why the most handsome president in the world should probably have gone into something else. He does not get what being an african incumbent president really means. How can you not have an outright majority and you are the incumbent? Remember Kagame won with a 90% victory. And what does Kabila do? he has to go for a second round. You know what Kabila needs, he needs lessons from Moi, Kagame, M7. Its only in countries like Tanzania that an incumbent has lost and the less said about them the better

One of my best friends is getting married in December. Iam very excited about it but I will probably miss it. But it has got me thinking about how people acquire spouses in different communitys

Dinkas
Among the dinkas, the girl really has no say-it is an auction and the highest bidder gets the girl. Iam not kidding. Some uncles and old men sit under a tree, and the potentials come with sticks representing the number of cows they are willing to pay, the more sticks you have, the higher your chances of getting the pubescent girl

Kukus (yeah there is a tribe here by that name)
If you think your Mother in law is crazy then you havent met this ones.
Among the Kuku, when a girl hits puberty, the mother will build a seperate house for her, she is then allowed to bring in boys/men to visit her. When the mother notices that there is one particular boy who is a regular, she simply waits for him to enter the house, then locks the poor dude inside, the only way that he will be let out is after the dowry negotiations have been completed. (suckers !!!!!!!!!!)

Madis
This one is a lesson to all those dudes who want some without the commitment.
The women in this community are very devious, they will come visit you in your house, they will let you shag them. And my brother that is the end of you. She wakes up the next morning to start doing wifey stuff like sweeping, cooking and cleaning the compound. As in she will NEVER leave.
There is a story of a guy who this happened to, he ran away from home and he has never been seen since

Murulei
this is for the girls ambao wanatembea ovyo ovyo,
This men just see a girl they like, in the middle of the usikus, they will send their buddies to go kidnapp you and take you to his house. The next day they will send a message to your family ati “stop looking for your daughter, she is here” and this is a sign that marriage negotiations should start.

Yikes


August 22, 2006 at 11:04 am Leave a comment

Things that make me go GRRRRRr

Not talking really big life changing things like war, domestic violence and drunk driving. No, just the small things that make you really really annoyed irrationally.

  1. Ladies who can’t decide whether they want a long or a short skirt/or long or short slit. You know the ones who wear short short skirts then when they sit down they start clawing the skirt as if the effort will make the skirt any longer than it was when you left home. If you need to claw at the skirt then it was too short for you to begin with. If you were comfortable with the skirt the way it was trust me you wouldn’t need to claw at it.

  1. Pot bellied men. If I can spend hours in the gym, why shouldn’t you? (Another secret here, sex with a potbellied man is soooo not good. The logistics of it is way too complicated, just think about it, potbelly makes the hhmm, aaahh about 3 inches shorter)

  1. Horizontal appointments AKA shagging your way to the top: This may fall into the category of life changing things depending on if you are the appointer or appointee. Ladies believe me a horizontal appointment may be the easiest way to get up the career ladder, but it’s the least fulfilling. However qualified you maybe (on the other hand if you are qualified you don’t need a horizontal appointment), no one will ever EVER respect you. And you are giving hard workingwomen all over the world a bad name.

  1. Kenya Power, Kenya Water, Kenya parliament, Kenya (fill in the blanks). The sheer incompetence of these people is enough to make you look for tax evasion loopholes. Kenyan Roads. The only thing that doesn’t annoy is probably the Kenyan People. (and KBW of course)

  1. Visible thongs/G-strings/panty lines and bra lines. Back to the ladies again. There is a reason why they are called UNDERWEAR. And let me just finish with ladies dressing once and for all, the black liner on your lips with red lipstick, is not a fashion statement. It makes your mouth look like a rubber stamp.

  1. Psssssst, Pssssst, Psssssst, Is no ones name. Not even in the former Russian block where they seem to have a shortage of vowels. It’s flattering but annoying when it goes on for too long.

  1. Lingala………….It is too monotonous. It feels like the same song sang over and over and over but by a different person.


Iam sure there are many more but don’t want to sound too grouchy or like a sour puss.

But what makes you go GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

August 16, 2006 at 5:48 pm Leave a comment

Football season Opener rants

I seriously still have nothing profound to sema, but I cant wait for tommorow, am impatient, am excited. After kadhaa weeks bila football FINALLY there will be some action kesho. Man, sahau those things of I dont know liverpool V that Israeli team (where on earth do they get the morale to even think about soccer when half the country have been recalled as reservist!!!!!) This is the real deal, Liverpool V Chelsea. This is the test especially for chelsea who had to take an overdraft from Roman Arkadievich (yes that is his name- sounds like Akaranga)Abramovich to buy Ballack and Schevchenko. Then they kosead the mwafrika-Gallas by giving his NO to ballack, and now the poor dude be on Strike.

For a neutral like me, (NO am not a gooner-otherwise I would be crying about the fact that cole do wonna play for us), this will be a game I will just sit back and enjoy and watch Murhinos egg head (he did shave bold!!!!!!!) No heart attack inducing moments because really I don’t have any stake in this. BUT I would much prefer that liverpool won. NO DRAWS please. dont you just hate the smugness in chelsea……….

And now what have they done to poor Victoria Beckham? She gave everything for her husband to play for his country to the extent of even banning the man from playing with Brooklyn lest he hurts himself. I mean she even used her own money to fly back to England during the world cup for an emergency hair do. And the minute her back is turned they chuck his ass from the England team, which apparently would cost them £50m.

Since am a united damu, I will not talk about Ronaldo being pelted with chewing gum. But I will celebrate the fact that we finally managed to get Rid of the Ruud boy.

Enjoy your weekend,the game and we shall be meeting every weekend for some great times ahead.

August 12, 2006 at 5:25 pm Leave a comment

Hilarious

I really do not have much to say, so thought would pass this forward along. And it would also give me an excuse to ask: What happened to that blog that used to have pictures of food? It was very very nice and now I miss it. If you are out there please please bring back the pictures.


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


August 9, 2006 at 12:05 pm Leave a comment

Part I: Living in Sudan:- the past.

I do not claim to be overly religious (if there is a phrase like that); I listen to “akisema atakubariki and kuna dawa“(no not in the bar!) I do say my prayers and go to church every now and then. But Living in Sudan I cannot help but look for the all-loving and ever-caring God I used to pray to in the village church when I was a little girl. Does he/she not listen to prayers from this side? Do the prayers not reach there-wherever there is? I realize that I may be applying my own standards to judge the conditions, but there are universal human needs and they are not fulfilled here. How could so much be so wrong in one place? How can the world allow people to live in mud huts, walk naked/semi naked, hungry and frightened of bombs and homeless in the 21st Century? Why weren’t there more people angry about the situation? Where was the UN, the AU? Where indeed was God?

For some time now I have been saying/promising that I will blog about my side of the world. This means Southern Sudan- Not north or Darfur where the parallels between what led to the 20-year war in the south and what is happening there are disturbingly similar. It’s difficult to decide where to start. SS is a country full of resources, in Africa it is only rivalled by DRC. And I guess that is the major source of the conflict, The North want what the south have and that is the reason why even after the 6 years elapse, the south will vote to secede and the north will not accept that, because it will mean loss of control over these riches. Gold, oil, animals and ofcurse the people are all to be found here not to mention the Nile (lets not even start on Egypt) The maddening thing is that none of this resources have been used on the people. Most families eat one meal a day if they are lucky to have had World Food Program drop food in the area. It is not that people are lazy, but the weather is tooo harsh. Temperatures can get to a stifling 45 degrees. The rains come once a year, (And Egypt has taken the Nile!!!) in the form of floods.

When I first came to SS about four year ago, I was in shock for about a whole year. We used to barter for food; a goat would be exchanged for a bar of panga soap and maybe one or two packets of salt. Most of our food came from Kenya (by plane of course). It was in Sudan that I learned that there was tinned githeri, carrots, and dried sukuma wiki. Money simply had no value because there was nothing to buy. We paid salaries in the form of second hand clothes, salt and Soap. By now am sure you have guessed that salt and soap were the most precious commodities. I will not even begin to describe my reaction when I was shown my mud hut. All I was thinking was “Damn I need a raise” Don’t get me started on the creepy crawlies, spiders, scorpions,lizards,snakes
I swear this is a true story, my colleague was coming from the bathroom one evening, happily whistling away, sans clothes, only to get to his Tukul (mud hut) and find a snake inside. I tell you I have never seen a man jump so high. Within seconds he was on top of a chair” I have the photo but he made me swear never to show it to anyone.

Prior to the CPA, I had not gone to any “town” with a tarmac road, Permanent constructions, telecommunication, public transport, schools and many of the things I used to take for granted. All public social amenities are managed by NGO’s. Its not that the people of SS are not able to manage them, but it’s hard to do that when you are running for your life, isn’t it?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad, Living among the Dinka people is one of the most pleasurable experiences anyone can ever have. Maybe its because they are so unspoilt. They have no issues of jealousy or envy. And they are 100% honest. They do not ever talk behind your back, if you annoy them trust me they will tell you to your face. (Participants at a workshop refused to attend a session because the facilitator had the “wrong approach”) You know those anonymous evaluations that are done in workshops? None of that here they will tell you to your face. And if they like you, they will immediately give you a Dinka name.

You would think that with all the poverty and hunger people would be falling over themselves to leave SS, but are they? Will be talking about the present on the next episode.

August 3, 2006 at 11:50 am Leave a comment