Nyumba Ndogos

May 6, 2008 at 12:49 am 23 comments

Stop the presses, 100 posts! Any literary agents around?

Moving on, today I was listening to Capital Fm Chris and Alan (or one of them) and they had this discussion about men who have “other ” families. And there was this lady whose dad had been married to her mum for like 35 years and just the other day she discovered the dad had a whole other family that they didnt know about! 35 years? and absolutely no clue? I find that hard to believe! She didnt know? I thought women had that intuition thing? I must confess I dont have it! I mean I had a boyfriend back in the day who until he told me there was another women I had absolutely no clue. Then another woman called and she gave her story, basically she met this guy and  months into the relationship he told her he was married, by which point she was head over heels in love with him, long story short she didnt break up with him and proceeded to have a baby with him who is now in (if memory serves) pre-unit, and the man is taking care of them and his wife and family has absolutely no idea!

As more and more people kept calling with such stories, I kept on wondering why this type of arrangements  are becoming more and more common. Those horror stories of kids coming out of the woodworks when the man dies are not shocking anymore? There were no angry wives calling to hurl insults at what used to be called ‘hos, home wreckers, breaking up peoples homes! Does this mean this is more acceptable now? ama its becoming a case where wives say you can play all you want with my husband, but at the end of the day he comes home to me? If I were in the same position would I tolerate it? I dont know. But I already said am never getting married because of women like me!

Unlike the woman who discovered that the man was married well into the relationship, my friend has been going out with this married guy for about 2 years, she got into the relationship knowing very well that he is married. The other day they deliberately decide that they want a baby! She claims that the guy has made it plain and clear that he loves his wife, happy in his marriage and he is never  gonna leave her, but he loves her as well and has no problem having the two! Apart from the girl being an idiot, I have two problems with this, first of all, if the guy was soo happy at home would he need to cheat? And secondly, What do you tell your kid about the daddy? I have been there and thats the reason I can never pass judgment on women who go out with married men, and I know its not easy, you get attached to someone and you want them there with you yet knowing perfectly well that they cant be there. I cant even begin to imagine how this works when there are kids involved.

On the other hand there is the women who know their husband is cheating sometimes he is a serial cheater, moving from one women to another (sometimes siring children), but they still stay. Its easy to leave a cheating boyfriend but how easy is it to leave a cheating husband? Would you leave a cheating wife/husband?

But spare a thought for the poor blokes who raise other mens children, couz Its easy for a woman to have kids with another man and pass them off as their husbands but for men its different, they cant lie you cant very well bring a toi and tell your wife its hers now can you?

Have a cheating free week wont you!

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We rule…. Cleansing me……

23 Comments Add your own

  • 1. threetypesofcrazy  |  May 6, 2008 at 9:06 am

    these stories evoke so many not nice emotions in me. Lakini, if we tolerate such then we may as well settle for being the continent bearing the highest number of A.I.D.S VICTIMS.

    If I was married to a man and discovered he was cheating would I leave him- YES. It would hurt but I would walk. ESPECIALLY if they are kids involved, my kids at that. Coz I would rather they had one parent than no parent at all.

    Out of all the moral issues that can arise from this “business”- I have to raise the health one.Because we are willingly killing ourselves (and then we shout that pharmacetical companies are giving us stupid drugs- well, maybe we need to stop behaving in a “not so wise” manner).

    True true, but this behaviour is every where! Watch Maury (DNA guru)

    Reply
  • 2. Seasons  |  May 6, 2008 at 9:26 am

    The story was picked by the dailies and was the headline on the Sunday Nation.

    I can understand why this goes on as one who has been there( not having another family but having a side dish) I will not excuse it but i cant judge the parties harshly.

    Men don’t cheat because they are unhappy..and it is possible to love two women at the same time.

    Men don’t cheat because they are unhappy..and it is possible to love two women at the same time.
    Kweli? hebu expound? Why would you go looking outside if you are satisfied at home?

    Reply
  • 3. Kirima  |  May 6, 2008 at 10:25 am

    Kenyan men are able to have these side dishes mainly because they are able to get away with it. this includes the ‘father’ of the nation.
    In my immediate and extended family upbringing I had no experience of Polygamy or I was too innocent to realise what was going around me! Lakini nowadays where I’m working I’m surprised by the tolerance towards such matters infedelity rarely breaks up marriages nowadys and I can’t say this is a good thing but sadly its a fact.

    I still cant decide whether marriages should be broken due to infidelity, but should people be hurt like that?

    Reply
  • 4. Xs  |  May 6, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    35 years? Was she blind?

    maybe the husband travels alot for work? LOOL

    Reply
  • 5. Kafai  |  May 6, 2008 at 1:06 pm

    I have never seen this situations as a problem at all, probably because I can totally rationalize them and my rabid fear of emotional attachments. Only downside I see is that you cannot spend holidays together as a family. Let me stop before I add stuff that might get me stoned, tihii.

    You do not even want to imagine the sort of drama such a statement would cause, last year I got hate mail for such*eehhhh* actions.

    Reply
  • 6. aizoh  |  May 6, 2008 at 3:01 pm

    This trend supports those who say men are naturally polygamous. I think if it wasnt for “morals” and finances, every man would have at least one side dish cos yes, a man can love more than one woman. Thanks for pitiaring mine.

    Thanks as well. I still don’t believe that a man can love more than one woman at the same time

    Reply
  • 7. Gish  |  May 6, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    You said it its easier to walk away from a boyfriend than a husband, the cost is rather steep. I thin its easy too judge either of the parties until you walk a mile in their shoes and by the way crazy things go on in relationships. as they say only the wearer know where the shoes pinch.

    Well put, but we are always too quick to judge others using our moral yard stick

    Reply
  • 8. Gish  |  May 6, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    naturally polygamous? *smh*

    Reply
  • 9. Nakeel  |  May 6, 2008 at 3:14 pm

    This is a hard one and I so feel like people have become so comfortable with it that its no longer a problem. Many women are willing to be the side dish and willing to even sire kids to be in that relationship if thats what it may take.

    To be honest I have no issues being a ‘side dish’ but bringing a kid into the relationship like that is a different story

    Reply
  • 10. bOMSEH  |  May 6, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    Seasons and Aizoh share my same beliefs, which are often shooed away. Some men have big hearts and can love more than one woman, everyone wants to accept that. What people don’t want to accept is that some women have extra-large hearts too, but since the last census 9 years ago said that there are 500,000 more women than men in Kenya, well, it justifies polygamy, athawais who is going to love the half a million extra Kenyan women, and the extra extra number that has resulted from the recent skirmishes and jail terms served in the last 9 years, seeing that the ratio of girl child born to boy child born, according to recent studies, is 4:1.

    LMAO! Haki bomseh! But more girls become nuns than boys so that should even it out no?

    Reply
  • 11. 31337  |  May 6, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    thanks for dropping by.

    I hear you on the men raising other’s children unsuspectingly….

    Will be back!

    Reply
  • 12. acolyte  |  May 6, 2008 at 11:15 pm

    I think in some cases the men are veeeery wiley but in other cases the wife knows something is going on but just not the porportions of what is going on.
    As for you pal, at least the dude was nice enough to let her know that he wasnt leaving his wife.
    I feel sorry for dudes who have to raise other peeps kiddies when the wife goes on a limb, I guess that is why men are less forgiving since they have to live with the consequences.
    Anyway to keep it real monogamy is something most men have to work hard at, your wife could meet some of your desires but not all of them in some cases. So you go out and get that missing bit from your side dish but make sure you have the main dish at home for every other day. Besides for many men nothing beats the feeling of new p*ssy lol!

    LOOOOL, now I see why WP had marked your comment as Spam! ha ha ha….monogamy is boring for most men (and this days women) But you have to be careful your girl doesnt demand to do things like that post of Mocha!

    Reply
  • 13. threetypesofcrazy  |  May 7, 2008 at 9:31 am

    you have a point on the Maury issue.Infact wait leo at the end of his show I get the address, I am going to write to him and demand he tells us the prevalence of H.I.V on his shows. hehehehe.

    Having said that, still on Maury- so true lakini why are the H.I.V incidents low in the States or are we on the African continent just more vocal about the numbers? I have a friend who recently attended a conference in the States on H.I.V and she said all the patients they were shown were homosexual men!!!

    Off to write to Maury

    Who does the statistics? Would you donate money to ‘help’ people infected with HIV in the states? me thinks not. Its more profitable to to have higher figures in Africa

    Reply
  • 14. Maua  |  May 12, 2008 at 1:40 am

    We have so many single mothers today coz the fathers are absent. Whether they know or not that they are fathers, the fact remains that the kids have no father figres in the homes. We all know what is likely to happen.

    Before a woman gets pregnant coz she’s so in love with a married man, think of all the children who are suffering coz the mothers can not give them everything – eg a father.

    nusumbili, I think this issue deserves more attention. (Too much memories and emotions involved).

    A woman who gets pregnant with a married man (knowingly) deserves no mercy. It’s not rocket science, you know there’ll be a lot of explaining to do, and somewhere along the line, you’ll lie, once, twice, etc, trying to conceal things you could have prevented from happening. (These days, there aren’t no mistakes).

    What do you mean “deserves no mercy?” her or both of them?
    Secondly your point about a father figure, what does a father mean, there are many infact millions of households where the father is just a name, the man is either absent or abusive to the point of being criminal… I dont think the presence of a man in the house means anything, its what role the man plays that matters! I will gladly bring up a child alone than subject them to an abusive, absentee father.

    Reply
  • 15. CB  |  May 13, 2008 at 9:10 am

    my quick-fire answer to all things that don’t make sense ; the world is ending. there’s a prophesy somewhere in the bible about 6 women going after one man just to have his name…i’ll quote it when i find it.

    nice digs btw. 🙂

    Reply
  • 16. CB  |  May 13, 2008 at 9:11 am

    urgh. i give up. this one isn’t even pink!

    Reply
  • 17. pinkmemoirs  |  May 13, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    1. Most African men will cheat at some point or another. If your husband cheats on you, but treats you well on all other areas, most women will rationalize and stay in the marriage for the kids, money, prestige, status etc. I don’t think I could have this tolerance, thats why I don’t plan to get married.

    2.The dating a married man part, I can’t throw stones. I agree it’s possible for a man to love 2 women at the same time. And sincerely, if I’m not looking to marry you, and you make me happy, and you have no prob with my commitment issues, why not?

    3.On the kids part, my policy is, unless the father is dead, or the kid is adopted, all children should grow up in a 2 parent family. I’d date a married man but would never have a child out of marriage, and would never marry a man who has left his wife for me.

    Again, I don’t plan to get married because of point 1 above.

    Reply
  • 18. threetypesofcrazy  |  May 13, 2008 at 9:35 pm

    hehehehehe@cb- hurry up with that verse in that Bible.Never heard that before.

    Reply
  • 19. Maua  |  May 14, 2008 at 12:42 am

    All things being equal, we all want a mummy and a daddy. If a man is married, why would I want to have a kid with him knowing very well he’ll never be there for either the kid or me, and if he is, he’ll not be there for his other kids (if he has any). Unless there’s a biological clock ticking and….. With things still being equal, those who become animals, criminals and absent never do it before the kid is born, for if we know what they’ll be like, then we’ll not have kids with them unless we want not to involve them.

    You are right, if they turn to be these animals and criminals, the kids are better without them, and that is when the woman’s will power makes her become a better ‘lone parent’. Right again, the presence of a man means nothing if he’s not playing his role, and I give credit to the men who get into relationships that have kids from previous relationships and take up the roles of fathers. But it’s not all such kids that get lucky to have such ‘men’ in their lives. Forgive me if I misinterpreted the post…….., it promptss my next post.

    Reply
  • 20. Maua  |  May 14, 2008 at 12:47 am

    I’m with pinkmemoirs on point 3, and I guess that’s the highway I’ve been trying to take.

    Reply
  • 21. jaykay  |  May 16, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    WHAT? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

    Yaani it’s out of respect for your ‘house’ that I’m not using more profane language. I can not believe that most people are actually willing to rationalize and actually ‘accept’ their husbands cheating on them, and men accepting that men cheat. This cheating ish is one of the things I feel most strongly about. How? *then she stepped of the pedestal and came back into the real world*

    He he….let’s see…just like Kirima, I think Kenyan men do this ish because they ‘can’. And for the longest time I had vowed I wouldn’t get into the whole union ‘marriage’, we know how that ended, hehe…. I used to say I would KILL a man if he cheated on me. I still say it..and he knows it..hehe. And I probably would.

    Reply
  • 22. Wanjiku Unlimited  |  May 16, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    CB it’s been three days now. Is that bible verse still forthcoming? hehehe.

    Nusumbili first time around here. For me if my man cheats I’ll walk. Times have changed – not like the days our mothers were left home in the village and they knew very well what the husbands were up to in the city and still they hang in there. Those days it was VDs and antibiotics. Now it’s AIDS and Antiretrovirals and death.

    Reply
  • 23. threetypesofcrazy  |  May 16, 2008 at 10:46 pm

    wewe, do not change house bila housewarming. where is the guiness eerrr the non-alcoholic one.

    Reply

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